Lonely and Rejected
by Dgm-yoai-lover
Summary: My comp entry for the dgm fanfic comp by momosportif and SarahFreak. Allen hates his room. He hates being alone and rejected. He wants to be held and accepted by another. AllenxLavi laven


**Um, here is my entry for the dgm fanfic comp.**

**Would it help my chances if I said I loved you?**

**I don't own dgm.**

**There have been so many drafts of this it's not funny. I'm seriously sick of writing about rooms.**

**--**

_I hate my room. I hate it so much._

_Every night, it's always the same._

_For three… No, four years, every night, the nightmares are always there. _

_I am calling out to Mana, and I see him, and run towards him, but then me, a different me, steps out of the shadows and kills him, a smile on my face. I can't stand it._

_And I have been alone for all of this._

_My room is cold and dark and airless. I feel like someone is watching me from the shadows._

_I can see the fourteenth's smiling face on the glass of the window. _

_I'm suffocating every moment I spend in the lonely darkness._

_I can't breathe._

_The cold bites at my skin, even if I turn the heater right up._

_I am so alone._

_I am dreaming now that I have gotten up and am walking out the door. I can't stand to be in there another minute._

_I struggle down the hall, clutching my chest. Even out of that room, it feels like my lungs are in a vice._

_I'm so tired, but I can't sleep._

_As a child, I had a lot of nightmares as well. Mana would always let me into his bed and hug me, and tell me it was all ok. Dreams can't harm me._

_He was the only human on earth that could bear to hold me. _

_The comfort and warmth of another human being._

_Acceptance._

_That's what I want… No, what I crave. I need it._

_But I cannot have it._

_I am…. Too strange…. Too ugly…_

_It's painful to want and need something, but you cannot have it._

_Like a drug addict that has gone cold turkey._

_I have come to the very center of the order in my dreamlike state. I pause briefly to grasp the railing and look down into the dark circular abyss below. A cool breeze blows up into my face._

_Panting slightly, I lean my head against the rail. I will have to go back to my room soon._

_I don't want to._

_I don't want to see my room ever again! I know I'm dreaming right now, and I'm going to wake up soon, but for now, my body believes it's no longer in that hated place._

_I don't want to sleep alone any more._

_As if of their own accord, my feet start moving. I walk around the big hole down the middle of the order, then down a hall towards more rooms._

_I'm not completely sure what I'm doing._

_I mean, you will reject me like the rest of the world. I have never asked to be loved or held, and still people reject me. I have never asked for respect, and I have never asked for people to stop looking at me accusingly, like some sort of devil, and still I have been rejected._

_Even when there is nothing to reject, I am rejected. You will be no different, no matter how friendly you appear to me. You find me strange too, don't you?_

_And yet, I am walking towards your room._

_Though, this is a dream. Perhaps you won't reject me._

_That would be pretty sad if my own dreams hated me._

_But then, I'm secretly in love with you, and I've dreamt of you finding out and being disgusted in me before, so why should this be any different?_

_You don't need me, you certainly don't want me, and even if Bookmen could have a heart, you wouldn't even look at me twice._

_But I love you Lavi. I want you. I need you._

_I will not go back to my room._

_I come to your door. No longer thinking of your response, I turn the knob and push it open, being careful not to let it creak. You lay in your bed; your exotic red hair flopped lazily in your eyes._

_I come in, close the door gently behind me, and sit down on the mattress next to you. You jerk awake._

"_Hm... Wha? Allen?"_

_I don't say anything. You cannot see my face, as I have turned away. I don't want to see your rejection. I feel the bed shift as you sit up, and then I feel your hand on your shoulder. Completely against my will, tears prick in the corner of my eyes._

_Hoping you don't notice, I try to hastily wipe them away with the sleeve of my pyjama shirt. You notice._

"_Hey..." You rub my shoulder gently, "What's the matter? Come on, I'll take you back to your room..."_

"_No...!" I turn and grab your hand tightly. You wince, but I don't loosen my grip. _

"_Please..." I whisper, "I can't stand it... I can't breathe... The loneliness is suffocating... Don't make me go back to that accursed room!"_

_I stare downwards, eyes closed tight. I do not know what your face looks like or what your reaction is. The tears in my eyes overflow, and slid gently down my cheeks, making the skin crawl beneath the liquid._

_I feel you wiping them away._

"_If you're so lonely..." Your voice is quiet, "You really need to tell someone."_

_I don't answer. You put your arms around me, and I lean my cheek against your chest. I can breathe again. You have accepted me, you are holding me, and you are not disgusted by me._

_If only this wasn't all a dream._

"_Come on," You whisper, laying me down, "Get some sleep."_

_I don't want to sleep, even though I'm tired. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and you wont be there, and I'll be in that horrid room, slowly suffocating._

_But for now, just one night, I can breathe. I am no longer cold in your warmth, and your heartbeat is soothing as you hold me gently but firmly._

_You are humming a gentle tune that sounds kind of like a lullaby, and I fight to stay awake. I want to stay like this forever, I want to be yours and you to be mine, I don't want to wake up._

_I wake up._

_I can feel sunlight stretching across the room. I keep my eyes shut tight. I don't wont to see how empty my room is, I just want to stay there, eyes closed, feeling as though I'm in your arms where the evils of the world can't get me._

"_Allen..." You murmur, "Could you move over a little? I'm falling off the bed..."_

_I'm so shocked my breathing stops. I open my eyes in time to see you scoot closer to me. You slip your arm around my waist and bring me close, and place your lips on my forehead for a few seconds longer then necessary for a kiss. It was a lover's embrace._

_I wasn't dreaming._

_I feel tears well in my eyes, and I press my face into your neck so you can't see them. You smell really nice._

"_Are you ok?" You ask, surprised by the wetness on your skin._

"_I'm fine..." I answer. You kiss my head again, and I can't keep the smile off my face._

"_Allen, if you were so lonely, you could have talked to me. Are you really that scared of staying in your room?"_

"_I-It's not just the room..." My voice trembles, "It's... I hate sleeping alone. I know, it's a weird phobia... Being with you… I feel better. It's like when I'm near you the fear isn't as strong, and you make me feel safe…" I pause, struggling to find the right words, "A-And I love you… I think…"_

_You're silent. I close my eyes tight. Here it comes, here comes the rejection._

"_Well if you ever get scared again you can sleep in my room..." I feel you stroking my hair thoughtfully. "And_ _as for you loving me…"_

_You move my face away from your neck, and I feel your lips on mine. It is short, and sweet, it means the world to me. _

_Thank you Lavi, for not making me go back to my room._

_--_

**WOOH! OK, PLEASE REVEIW!**

**And nobody ask me to write a sequel.**


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